ARE YOU OK, HOW YOU REALLY DOING? IM FINE………I THINK, I’M SURE….. I DON’T KNOW

I know I have not posted in a while I guess I have been trying to keep my mind away from all this.

It is in a way an everyday struggle, I do think of him and us a lot and I do miss what we had and all we planned but my heart I’m not sure. I’m over him and I’m not? Maybe I am just taking it as it comes and not crying over him I’m done with crying really now.

He called me the weekend to explain all that happened as he is smsing me almost every day like nothing happened and its hard cause one part of me wants to be in his life as a friend but the other part can’t do that. And it was hard to even tell him that I can’t and that we should break communication as it isn’t nice getting messages from him and it just reminds me of everything again. When I heard his voice, yeah I haven’t heard it since he was here that last weekend, having him now just say Elena instead of Babe or princess hearing him explain the situation saying it wasn’t me and I’m still the amazing person and all that wasn’t easy and when it came to me to talk my eyes were too filled with tears and when I opened my mouth nothing came out. I told him that I hope he is happy and all works out like he hopes. That I can’t again chat with him now it’s too hard I said that I don’t hate him I just hate how he handled the situation and what we had was great and yeah.

After that call I know I wasn’t fine but now I’m ok not fully there but ok! Time heals I guess.

I am any way trying to focus on myself. It’s funny how now I sit and listen to songs and really hear the words and how one can relate to them. Of course I related to the whole Keith Urban “You’ll think of me” but now there are 2 songs I hear on the radio that got me stuck. – ALL FOF ME by Black Bryd:

You every morning, you every night
You’re in my soul, in my heart and my life
I was a dreamer, you had the plan
Now you walking away and I don’t understand

But how come it feels ok to know I’ll never see you again
How come you never ever tried

I'm doing it all for me
Taking the chance to find the real me
I'm letting you go 1 4 3
I gotta do this alone though I'm scared to the bone
I’m not running away I'm facing my fears
This time I gotta learn to dry my own tears
Doing it all for me, without you baby
All for me

I'm hoping that I find the strength to move on
When right by your side I thought I would belong
I guess I'm not perfect but I’ma be strong
Cos this is the moment and I want it all..

And how come it feels ok to know il never see you again and
How come you never ever cried?

Without you I'm learning that I'm incomplete
Without you there's so much more I want to be
Without you there's no us, without you it's just me
Without you it's all up to meeeeeee
yeah..
All for me.
 

And NOT JUST FRIENDS

My brother and I went to JHB on Sunday a little outing we watched two movies, Persey Jackson and Grown Up 2. Both good, did you know you get a cinema with beanbags and lover seats? Hahah like what. Got my 2 cds I have been dying to get and then a hair curler I have been looking for one for a while and when I went to get my hair cut the aunt showed me the one she got and I knew I wanted one. I tried it fast and it really easy and works so good. I also cut my hair just trimmed and the bangs I wanted to cut it short but couldn’t get it over my heart to do that hahah.

My mom is thank goodness doing better and I am so grateful to have her back to her healthy self. Wasn’t nice seeing her in pain and there was nothing I could do. But I prayed and of course God listens and she is back to health again.

Other news my brother and I have been talking about a December/January vacation as he never gets time off and we both would like to do something different, plus point of having a brother not to young that we get to go to places and all that stuff together. It’s not 100% booked or set yet but I am looking into places and well mostly is either booked or either way to expensive, I am lus for a full on trip every day have 2/3 places we can go to and then chill, mall and beach not that we both really like the beach but just to relax. So will see how it goes hey next year could be Cape Town hahah.

But yes that so far news in my life not much going on here really J its weird reading back on my blogs of all that happened part of me wants to delete it but it was a part of my life one day I will be fine with reading it all!

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