Never thought I would be posting this EVER

I saw my blog and life going a total different way; I didn’t think that a few days after we were 4 months together that I would end up saying we are broken up. I never for one second saw this coming and yet still now am I trying to wrap my head and thoughts around it all.

I mean he was still here last weekend and we were fine, well so I think.
I don’t even know where to start or what to say. I know I wish I could turn my mind off for a bit to stop trying to think of what happened and everything.

So Thursday was the second day I haven’t heard from Willem and being me I over think and I got worried I mean who wouldn’t get worried when you don’t hear anything for 2 days and neither does anyone else, I knew this wasn’t like him we were friends for a few months and still while dating he has never been this quiet, his mother told me that he is just working and very busy but I had this gut feeling that there was something else I just could not put my finger on it. It’s funny how that night I was thinking the last time I was in a distant relationship and the guy was so quiet he ended up saying the distance is not working for him and so we broke up but I laughed it off and I thought no it’s not like that with Willem, Friday got to work and my eyes were puffy and I was still very emotional. I sat in the one aunts office like every morning drinking coffee before we start the work day and when she said “it won’t help I tell you now not to stress of where he is and all” I lost it again, and cried so after a hug from her we sat and tried playing CSI hahah figuring out what might be the situation. Then I got a message from him I read it fast, the feeling I got I never had and never want again wouldn’t even wish it on my worst enemy, I can’t explain I never felt so much pain, it really felt like someone stuffed their hand in my chest grabbed my heart and ripped it into pieces in front of me. I was crying that I couldn’t breath, shaking wanting to hit something, I shot up somehow and felt light headed and dizzy had so blink a few times to get my focus I just had to go home. While I was driving I can sadly honestly say that I wanted to either flip my car or go in front of a truck just to feel other pain than what I was having at the moment but pulled myself together. Nothing helps a bit than a mothers hug and people around you who care. No one saw it coming and no one could believe it either.

You know I don’t hate him I just hate the way he handled and dealt with the situation , before we dated we were friends and the friend he was to me I was so grateful to have him there and when we started dating it was amazing, we planned so much of our lives together, maybe you can say I got way too carried away with saying we getting married before I even had a ring but I never had the feeling that I had with Willem and I just knew from the start that he was the one, little did I know it would end this way. I’m in a way not sad any more I guess I am over it as for me he has changed and he not the Willem I fell in love with sadly, I’m grateful for the times we had and the things we shared hell yes there are days when I sit and lately every darn song on the radio is like a seine from my life and what I am feeling but then I think of the things we did and what we wanted to do and how he got along with everyone and I guess I could say they saw what I saw that we would last. I do at times find myself lying in bed looking at the side he slept on and shed a tear or two thinking he will never be there again, wont wake up to him and look into his eyes with that smile of his and the I LOVE YOU words. Then I stop myself as it won’t help me.

I wish I could turn my mind off when it comes to thoughts of him and us it gets too much and sometimes I find myself pretending and having to hold back the tears when I have to explain what happened. I’m left to try mend the broken pieces and he gets to carry on like nothing happened.

One wish I guess I  could have is that he would tell me all we shared and planned wasn’t fake that he really did love me and see forever with me. And maybe more of an explanation other than please understand cause to tell you the truth I’m tiered of understanding. 

I saw this blog growing as our lives grew together, moving in one day, engaged, married, kids and all but maybe I have someone else out there waiting for me I hope just the thought of me having to start all over again gets me down, I’m not picking on guys and it’s hard for them to but in this age and now it’s hard to find a guy who doesn’t fully want to settle down but doesn’t go crazy party any more I guess any way…..

So this is my post took a while to write just couldn’t get the courage to put it together yet.

I know everyone keeps saying it all happens for a reason and I know it does I just don’t know if whatever reason it is that it’s good for now?